Insomnia and Peace

Insomnia.

I come home and when I settle down after dinner it is already 11 pm. And this restlessness creeps in. I question pretty much everything and find no proper answer. I think about my existence, work, society, culture, dogma, religion and the whole construct of humanity. Then comes reality's deadly sting and I wake up to the shocking realization - that we have all been living lies. Oh, it pains really hard. My mind reels back and forth, tossed by a wave of powerful thoughts. Then I comfort myself sitting in the quiet and start contemplating ways to do something good in a more organized manner.

This has pretty much become a habit. I know this is leading me to something big. I might either start something (an NGO of sorts) soon or quit everything - job, family, friends and my own identity, and disappear into the oblivion never to come back again.

I am unable to sleep. Not that I want to become a Superhero and save the world from aliens. No, I am no savior. I do not give room to fanciful imaginations. I try to think of things that do not fade away with time. A thought is only valid, if in course of time, it converts itself into positive action. I'm concerned about the current situation our worlds are trapped into, about the filth we have adorned ourselves with and think of simple ways to mend these broken meanings of life.

I call my parents. I talk to my Dad in the dead of the night. My Mom is much worried. I want to know what they think of this world. Then I pour myself out. I tell them what I have been seeing. Greed. Injustice. The poor being oppressed. People begging. Prostitution. Child trafficking. Immoral lives of today's youth.

They are worried. Yes, they are worried - about me. They think I would fall apart. And they ask me if I have any plausible solution to this. I go blank. I tell them, I am waiting for credible substance. A grip. A workable notion in all its practicality.

Then, I go to the books. The Scriptures. And I pray.
I play my guitar. I lie down. I think. I write.
And I start reading again.
Without my knowledge, I close my eyes into sleep.

Peace.

Yes, momentary and lo, morning comes.

Back to Facebook!

Against my decision of last December to quit facebook for good, I have chosen to come back. But not with the same intent. While I stand by all that I had mentioned in my 'Ta-ta Facebook' article about how facebook is and the people who dwell in it, I have decided to make a come-back again, but on a different note.

It had been 7 long months. I had lost touch with so many of my friends. Not everyone would call. Neither can I call everyone. Some are near. Some far. And some very far, overseas.

I open my account and see some have left for gulf and elsewhere, some are engaged and some married too. Some are now in Bangalore for months and I haven't met them yet. No updates at all. Not even from the ones I have been in touch over phone. I could have gone ahead valuing my decision more, losing them all. But you see, these are your friends and you need them.

So I decided - Let me come back. But not get involved in any godless chatter be it any discussion or even the topics I would love to debate on. Let me be back, for friends who have been my life all this while. Let me come back, not to prove anything to others or to see what others do in their private but to be in touch, give some likes and ping a few smiley's.

Aggravated Pimping

While the 2011 sex-scandal surrounding him is still in the courts, the Ex IMF Chief Mr. Strauss-Kahn is now charged with 'aggravated pimping'. This is quite a phrase! Investigations reveal that this gentleman had also been participating in a prostitution ring at luxury hotels at Lille, France.

Two years back, before all these scandals came to light, he clearly was one of the greatest minds, most revered, for the way he steered the nations out of the recession that struck the world in 2008. He was the most sought-after economist, a flamboyant lawyer, and the ex-Finance Minister of France under Prime Minister Lionel Jospin.

 Mr. Strauss-Khan also had connections with 'Manhattan Madam' Kristin Davis and her escort agency Emperor's Club VIP

It is sad to know that this great man had such an inflicting thorn in his flesh - lust. Even in his 60s, he was consumed by his lust for women. He trod cheerfully on this path without any shame of being found one day, that he went on to be actively involved in sex-trafficking. What must have he thought? - I have power and I can buy anyone in this world. But the world proved him wrong. We humans are empowered folks now.

But what really shocked me was the statement made by Mr. Strauss-Khan's lawyer Frederique Baulie two days back. He came out to the media and blurted out - " We should be focused on the law, not morality ! "

What crap was that? What is law if it does not assimilate the moral codes!!

My dear Mr. Lawyer, would you divorce your wife and marry your consenting adult daughter in an incest-friendly nation? Perfectly legal, ain't it? I'm sure you'd be getting all excited now. But tell me - if your daughter conceives by you, how would you like the baby call you -- Daddy or Grand-daddy???

It is saddening to know that people in power and those who aide them are becoming so insensitive these days. It hurts. Yes, it hurts us all. Tomorrow, the victim could be you or someone from your family. Justice has to be meted out to everyone equally.

Nafissatou Diallo, the 32-year old maid who was sexually assaulted by Mr. Srauss-Khan at MidTown Sofitel Manhattan Hotel in May 2011 :

" Me and my family, we are going through a lot. We cry every day. My 15-year old daughter had seen me crying recently. She said: ‘Please stop crying. Be strong for me.' I told her, ‘I will be strong for you and for every other woman in the world.'  "

Bald! Hell Yeah!!

                            

I am bald. Gleefully yes. But I am bereft of any shame or embarrassment. 'Cause that is the way I look. Why should I belittle my very own personality and feel inferior to others. I am a confident man.

Four years back, this was not the case. I had good hair. Then this hair loss began. I couldn't do anything about it. I have, at times, sulked at all the hair I used to lose. Started going for trichology treatments and have spent nearly a lakh on my hair till now. Did it help? Not one percent. If I have to tell you the truth, it only worsened things. Okay, I am not going to the 'worsened' part.

May be this is the way I am destined to look. If God decides something, can you contest it? My good friend Joshua used to encourage me saying, "Machan, in Australia bald men are considered sexy! So dont worry!! You'll get an Australian wife!!!". I used to laugh at this. Two days back, Audharsh pings me in whatsapp, "Being bald is the new trend. Mike Tyson is bald, Zidane is bald, Agassi is bald. Now Isaac is so!!" What can I do much about such positive remarks at my loss! People want to appreciate me and I say thanks. Haha. : ) Tyson had Robin Givens, Monica Turner and Lakiha Spicer for wives. Zidane married Veronique Fernandez and Agassi - Brooke Shields and Steffi Graff. All beautiful women! :D

Those days when it all started - the heavy hair-loss, I was definitely not worrying about women. It was only my depleting looks that bothered me. While I had just enough time to worry about myself, why would I think about girls who themselves would generally grow plump within months of marriage. Now I have gathered all the courage to cope with this. I might look 5 years (or more) older to my real age. What's the big deal? Some would laugh at me and crack some jokes. So what? I would take all the fun and whistle at them. Haha. :)

Yes, I am bald. And happily bald. :)

I am not the one I used to be!

'Change is the only thing that doesn't change' is an old cliched adage. We change. Our thoughts change. Things we fought for, change. The strongest of love stories change. Oh with time, everything changes. I often wonder how God and his love could remain unchangeable. The only logic I could arrive at is that the divine is not bound by the strongest constraint - 'time'. Clearly, time is the ever-dynamic change agent.

As I sit down to introspect, I should admit, in the past few years, I have dropped few things - both good and bad, and picked up few things - yeah, good and bad. I have changed. This is a confession I make. 

So a few years back, I was a solid staunch christian. I was very firm. My world revolved around the Holy Bible. I wouldn't know anything outside the holy book. Nay, that's an understatement. It would be near-right if I stated - I wouldn't give a damn about the world-around at all. My friends would testify to this. I wouldn't watch any movie. For four continuous undergrad years, I did not even see a single animated movie clip, let alone feature films that cast real humans. A strong personal NO to movies, both secular and christian. I wouldn't listen to any music which is not gospel. I wouldn't look at any girl and secretly/openly stare at her. I was not glued to books that were not religious. I wouldn't be a part of alcoholic parties. About alcoholism, the truth is most of my friends were teetotalers and the ones who drank were very careful that they did not drink in my presence.

But now, all these 'did not do's have become 'do's. That said, I am not saying that I blindly watch any movie or listen to any music that releases. I am very choosy about them. I have some criteria (guarding my values) to pick my collection. And though I don't host any alcoholic party, I have been to pubs/bars and to one disc with my colleagues. I have been to alcoholic house parties and have seen what happens in all those places. Though I still am a teetotaler, I know every drug people of free-minded urban sophistication do.

I used to be a preacher. Now, no one around me would ever believe that I have preached at all. Because the frequency of sharing God's word, now, has bluntly reduced. The last time I spoke in a church meeting was last November. I used to read a lot of Bible and spend a lot of time in prayer. Every day I would not retire to bed without talking to my Creator. Before every sermon I spoke, I would spend at least 4 to 5 hours in prayer. No overstatement this! My parents know this very well and a few of my friends at times would join me during those prep prayer hours. But now, the same zeal has reduced. With all the work, I am not able to set forth solid time to spend with God. Well, I cannot get away by blaming this on work. This is so lame an explanation. Its all my mistake. I have not set my priorities right.

The most painful thing. When I was that staunch Christian guy before, people used to call me a madman, a lunatic, a fundamentalist and all those names. As a person, now I am better. I understand how things are in the other side of life. Some say, I am more human(read as more like them!) these days. But it was during those madman days, I saw beautiful visions from God. I prophesied. I used to feel God's strong presence. I used to hear the sweet guiding Voice of God frequently. I was a fruitful vessel, a signboard to salvation for sinners who sought the Lord. But now, I am in a pathetic spiritual low. Somewhere I made a few compromises and I have lost it all. Yes I weep in secret at how things have changed. I even doubt, at times, if I would go to heaven at all. I am not telling you that having a balanced view of the world is wrong. No no, please don't get me wrong. It is really good if you can still hold on to your values despite your getting exposed to both the good and the bad. But what is all that balance worth if you lose touch with God? What is it all worth if someone says 'you're more human now' after you have lost the divine? The mistake is mine. I should have known to put God first in everything. I should have known. The mistake is all mine.

"Do not gloat over me, my enemy(the devil)! Though I have fallen, I will rise!"
Micah 7:8

Those Awkward Moments

Everyone goes through awkward situations at some point or other. But when we look back and reminisce, we can only smile at our own follies. All our imperfections add beauty to life.

Perambur Railway Station.

I boarded a suburban train from Chennai Central after seeing off my friend Santy who had come home for vacation. I don't know why, but I instantly turned like an electron in its excited state after taking that yellow suburb ticket. I think this sort of thing happens to everyone at some nutty point. Or may be I saw some good-looking girl. Oh no, don't get me wrong. I am just speculating. I really don't remember why I did that. Okay what did I do? I jumped off the running train and fell on the platform bleeding. The one who sways flags standing in the last bogie of the train, oh-I-dont-know-how-he-should-be-called, he shouted abuses at me. Well, I remember that part loud and clear. Haha. But to his mocking dismay, I stood up as if nothing had happened and limped my way to home.

Lesson: Dont try to act like Superman!

IPA Pollachi.

Prof. Amir Anton wanted me and my friend Prakash to come with him to Pollachi for a Sunday Service. Amir Sir would preach and we both would lead the worship. That was the plan. Everything went accordingly. What was not in the plan was people coming to us and asking us to pray for them. I usually hesitate to do this at will because I need a lot of time to pray and prepare before I lay hands on anyone. I was stumped this time. Adding to my worry, Prakash doesn't know to pray in Tamil. I had to take all the prayer requests. People were swarming around us. What could I do! I tied my hands to my back, did not touch anyone but started praying request after request. Thankfully Prakash stood by my side. One lady came and said, 'Brother, I have stomach ache. Please pray for me.' And I started at once, 'Lord, this precious sister has stomach ache... Please heal her... Amen.' And I went on to pray for others. Right after praying for all the other requests, Prakash comes and tells me, 'Dei. You made a mistake while praying!'. 'Aiyo, What?', I asked. 'When women come and tell you they have stomach problem, it means something else and you are not supposed to mention 'stomach problem' when you pray. Others might hear this and laugh at the girl.', Prakash affirmed. This really embarrassed me more.

Lesson: Decode what people really want you to pray for and pray 'appropriately'

Undisclosed Location.

There was this girl I know very well. I respect her, but honestly have not the slightest pinch of any feeling peeling for her. She was sitting quite close and I could clearly see her bra-strap out. I wanted to somehow convey this to her. Because that was bad for her, plus I have this condition - I cannot see a girl and talk when I know she is not dressed prop. I was thinking this and sharply she turns to me. Oh no, how shameful! She might have thought I was staring at her. I, at once, left the place and came back after 30 minutes. And on my return, I did not dare look at her. But I observed everything looked alright. At least the purpose was solved.

Lesson: Don't even think of correcting a girl's dress if she's not your love

I have been through many more flop-shows. But this would suffice for now. Laugh at me for a little while. Haha.

Workplace Tidbits

There are so many things that could disturb you at work. For no reason, you might be put down. People would willingly gang up against you. Though you might do your work right, people would say that you have done it all wrong and laugh at you. Automatically, your mind would be pushed to feel the heat and the first thing you would want to do is to retort.

No. Hold fort. Don't act at once. Think for a while. But don't give the enemy room to breach your tabernacle. It is always tough for all of us in these terse situations. Wherever we go, there are people to sting us with sharp words and frivolous accusations. 

Condescension is provocation worthy of retaliation. But before you react impulsively, think. There was a mentor I had at workplace who shared a wonderful piece of advice, "Isaac, think big. Get above the others." I will respect him for these words all my life. The first mantra to progressive thinking is to get above all the mundane pessimistic situations. It would do well if you could cut yourself off from people who worry much about trivial things.

One of my best buddies at work used to tell, "People, WORK!!! Stop fooling around with your ill-fed egos!! We're here to work!" Ego clashes are bound to happen everywhere you go. Politics has become much of an inevitability. You have to go through all these, no matter what. But when you do, don't allow all these to get into your nerves. Because these are things that would divert you from living your purpose.

'DGAD' - I had this written on my board and people couldn't understand what it meant. DGAD??.. Don't Give A Damn!!! If you wish not to entertain non-value added people, you should learn to apply dgad. Whatever may happen around you, don't bother at all. Get your focus right! Stop wasting your time talking about others. Spend more time discussing what you have intended to do to achieve your goals. Brainstorm with reasonable people on reasonable matters. I don't mean that you should quit having  lighter moments altogether. It is no harm to have a few friends. Build your bandwagon of like-minded people. But never associate yourself with anyone. Form your own persona.

These are just tidbits. Try to follow this, if it is applicable to the situation you are in. Despite all this, if you still face problems, no other go. You have to bend your knees. Pray. There is no problem too big, God cannot solve. There is no mountain too tall, He cannot move.