'Change is the only thing that doesn't change' is an old cliched adage. We change. Our thoughts change. Things we fought for, change. The strongest of love stories change. Oh with time, everything changes. I often wonder how God and his love could remain unchangeable. The only logic I could arrive at is that the divine is not bound by the strongest constraint - 'time'. Clearly, time is the ever-dynamic change agent.
As I sit down to introspect, I should admit, in the past few years, I have dropped few things - both good and bad, and picked up few things - yeah, good and bad. I have changed. This is a confession I make.
So a few years back, I was a solid staunch christian. I was very firm. My world revolved around the Holy Bible. I wouldn't know anything outside the holy book. Nay, that's an understatement. It would be near-right if I stated - I wouldn't give a damn about the world-around at all. My friends would testify to this. I wouldn't watch any movie. For four continuous undergrad years, I did not even see a single animated movie clip, let alone feature films that cast real humans. A strong personal NO to movies, both secular and christian. I wouldn't listen to any music which is not gospel. I wouldn't look at any girl and secretly/openly stare at her. I was not glued to books that were not religious. I wouldn't be a part of alcoholic parties. About alcoholism, the truth is most of my friends were teetotalers and the ones who drank were very careful that they did not drink in my presence.
But now, all these 'did not do's have become 'do's. That said, I am not saying that I blindly watch any movie or listen to any music that releases. I am very choosy about them. I have some criteria (guarding my values) to pick my collection. And though I don't host any alcoholic party, I have been to pubs/bars and to one disc with my colleagues. I have been to alcoholic house parties and have seen what happens in all those places. Though I still am a teetotaler, I know every drug people of free-minded urban sophistication do.
I used to be a preacher. Now, no one around me would ever believe that I have preached at all. Because the frequency of sharing God's word, now, has bluntly reduced. The last time I spoke in a church meeting was last November. I used to read a lot of Bible and spend a lot of time in prayer. Every day I would not retire to bed without talking to my Creator. Before every sermon I spoke, I would spend at least 4 to 5 hours in prayer. No overstatement this! My parents know this very well and a few of my friends at times would join me during those prep prayer hours. But now, the same zeal has reduced. With all the work, I am not able to set forth solid time to spend with God. Well, I cannot get away by blaming this on work. This is so lame an explanation. Its all my mistake. I have not set my priorities right.
The most painful thing. When I was that staunch Christian guy before, people used to call me a madman, a lunatic, a fundamentalist and all those names. As a person, now I am better. I understand how things are in the other side of life. Some say, I am more human(read as more like them!) these days. But it was during those madman days, I saw beautiful visions from God. I prophesied. I used to feel God's strong presence. I used to hear the sweet guiding Voice of God frequently. I was a fruitful vessel, a signboard to salvation for sinners who sought the Lord. But now, I am in a pathetic spiritual low. Somewhere I made a few compromises and I have lost it all. Yes I weep in secret at how things have changed. I even doubt, at times, if I would go to heaven at all. I am not telling you that having a balanced view of the world is wrong. No no, please don't get me wrong. It is really good if you can still hold on to your values despite your getting exposed to both the good and the bad. But what is all that balance worth if you lose touch with God? What is it all worth if someone says 'you're more human now' after you have lost the divine? The mistake is mine. I should have known to put God first in everything. I should have known. The mistake is all mine.
I used to be a preacher. Now, no one around me would ever believe that I have preached at all. Because the frequency of sharing God's word, now, has bluntly reduced. The last time I spoke in a church meeting was last November. I used to read a lot of Bible and spend a lot of time in prayer. Every day I would not retire to bed without talking to my Creator. Before every sermon I spoke, I would spend at least 4 to 5 hours in prayer. No overstatement this! My parents know this very well and a few of my friends at times would join me during those prep prayer hours. But now, the same zeal has reduced. With all the work, I am not able to set forth solid time to spend with God. Well, I cannot get away by blaming this on work. This is so lame an explanation. Its all my mistake. I have not set my priorities right.
The most painful thing. When I was that staunch Christian guy before, people used to call me a madman, a lunatic, a fundamentalist and all those names. As a person, now I am better. I understand how things are in the other side of life. Some say, I am more human(read as more like them!) these days. But it was during those madman days, I saw beautiful visions from God. I prophesied. I used to feel God's strong presence. I used to hear the sweet guiding Voice of God frequently. I was a fruitful vessel, a signboard to salvation for sinners who sought the Lord. But now, I am in a pathetic spiritual low. Somewhere I made a few compromises and I have lost it all. Yes I weep in secret at how things have changed. I even doubt, at times, if I would go to heaven at all. I am not telling you that having a balanced view of the world is wrong. No no, please don't get me wrong. It is really good if you can still hold on to your values despite your getting exposed to both the good and the bad. But what is all that balance worth if you lose touch with God? What is it all worth if someone says 'you're more human now' after you have lost the divine? The mistake is mine. I should have known to put God first in everything. I should have known. The mistake is all mine.
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy(the devil)! Though I have fallen, I will rise!"
Micah 7:8
Micah 7:8
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