I am not the one I used to be!

'Change is the only thing that doesn't change' is an old cliched adage. We change. Our thoughts change. Things we fought for, change. The strongest of love stories change. Oh with time, everything changes. I often wonder how God and his love could remain unchangeable. The only logic I could arrive at is that the divine is not bound by the strongest constraint - 'time'. Clearly, time is the ever-dynamic change agent.

As I sit down to introspect, I should admit, in the past few years, I have dropped few things - both good and bad, and picked up few things - yeah, good and bad. I have changed. This is a confession I make. 

So a few years back, I was a solid staunch christian. I was very firm. My world revolved around the Holy Bible. I wouldn't know anything outside the holy book. Nay, that's an understatement. It would be near-right if I stated - I wouldn't give a damn about the world-around at all. My friends would testify to this. I wouldn't watch any movie. For four continuous undergrad years, I did not even see a single animated movie clip, let alone feature films that cast real humans. A strong personal NO to movies, both secular and christian. I wouldn't listen to any music which is not gospel. I wouldn't look at any girl and secretly/openly stare at her. I was not glued to books that were not religious. I wouldn't be a part of alcoholic parties. About alcoholism, the truth is most of my friends were teetotalers and the ones who drank were very careful that they did not drink in my presence.

But now, all these 'did not do's have become 'do's. That said, I am not saying that I blindly watch any movie or listen to any music that releases. I am very choosy about them. I have some criteria (guarding my values) to pick my collection. And though I don't host any alcoholic party, I have been to pubs/bars and to one disc with my colleagues. I have been to alcoholic house parties and have seen what happens in all those places. Though I still am a teetotaler, I know every drug people of free-minded urban sophistication do.

I used to be a preacher. Now, no one around me would ever believe that I have preached at all. Because the frequency of sharing God's word, now, has bluntly reduced. The last time I spoke in a church meeting was last November. I used to read a lot of Bible and spend a lot of time in prayer. Every day I would not retire to bed without talking to my Creator. Before every sermon I spoke, I would spend at least 4 to 5 hours in prayer. No overstatement this! My parents know this very well and a few of my friends at times would join me during those prep prayer hours. But now, the same zeal has reduced. With all the work, I am not able to set forth solid time to spend with God. Well, I cannot get away by blaming this on work. This is so lame an explanation. Its all my mistake. I have not set my priorities right.

The most painful thing. When I was that staunch Christian guy before, people used to call me a madman, a lunatic, a fundamentalist and all those names. As a person, now I am better. I understand how things are in the other side of life. Some say, I am more human(read as more like them!) these days. But it was during those madman days, I saw beautiful visions from God. I prophesied. I used to feel God's strong presence. I used to hear the sweet guiding Voice of God frequently. I was a fruitful vessel, a signboard to salvation for sinners who sought the Lord. But now, I am in a pathetic spiritual low. Somewhere I made a few compromises and I have lost it all. Yes I weep in secret at how things have changed. I even doubt, at times, if I would go to heaven at all. I am not telling you that having a balanced view of the world is wrong. No no, please don't get me wrong. It is really good if you can still hold on to your values despite your getting exposed to both the good and the bad. But what is all that balance worth if you lose touch with God? What is it all worth if someone says 'you're more human now' after you have lost the divine? The mistake is mine. I should have known to put God first in everything. I should have known. The mistake is all mine.

"Do not gloat over me, my enemy(the devil)! Though I have fallen, I will rise!"
Micah 7:8

Those Awkward Moments

Everyone goes through awkward situations at some point or other. But when we look back and reminisce, we can only smile at our own follies. All our imperfections add beauty to life.

Perambur Railway Station.

I boarded a suburban train from Chennai Central after seeing off my friend Santy who had come home for vacation. I don't know why, but I instantly turned like an electron in its excited state after taking that yellow suburb ticket. I think this sort of thing happens to everyone at some nutty point. Or may be I saw some good-looking girl. Oh no, don't get me wrong. I am just speculating. I really don't remember why I did that. Okay what did I do? I jumped off the running train and fell on the platform bleeding. The one who sways flags standing in the last bogie of the train, oh-I-dont-know-how-he-should-be-called, he shouted abuses at me. Well, I remember that part loud and clear. Haha. But to his mocking dismay, I stood up as if nothing had happened and limped my way to home.

Lesson: Dont try to act like Superman!

IPA Pollachi.

Prof. Amir Anton wanted me and my friend Prakash to come with him to Pollachi for a Sunday Service. Amir Sir would preach and we both would lead the worship. That was the plan. Everything went accordingly. What was not in the plan was people coming to us and asking us to pray for them. I usually hesitate to do this at will because I need a lot of time to pray and prepare before I lay hands on anyone. I was stumped this time. Adding to my worry, Prakash doesn't know to pray in Tamil. I had to take all the prayer requests. People were swarming around us. What could I do! I tied my hands to my back, did not touch anyone but started praying request after request. Thankfully Prakash stood by my side. One lady came and said, 'Brother, I have stomach ache. Please pray for me.' And I started at once, 'Lord, this precious sister has stomach ache... Please heal her... Amen.' And I went on to pray for others. Right after praying for all the other requests, Prakash comes and tells me, 'Dei. You made a mistake while praying!'. 'Aiyo, What?', I asked. 'When women come and tell you they have stomach problem, it means something else and you are not supposed to mention 'stomach problem' when you pray. Others might hear this and laugh at the girl.', Prakash affirmed. This really embarrassed me more.

Lesson: Decode what people really want you to pray for and pray 'appropriately'

Undisclosed Location.

There was this girl I know very well. I respect her, but honestly have not the slightest pinch of any feeling peeling for her. She was sitting quite close and I could clearly see her bra-strap out. I wanted to somehow convey this to her. Because that was bad for her, plus I have this condition - I cannot see a girl and talk when I know she is not dressed prop. I was thinking this and sharply she turns to me. Oh no, how shameful! She might have thought I was staring at her. I, at once, left the place and came back after 30 minutes. And on my return, I did not dare look at her. But I observed everything looked alright. At least the purpose was solved.

Lesson: Don't even think of correcting a girl's dress if she's not your love

I have been through many more flop-shows. But this would suffice for now. Laugh at me for a little while. Haha.

Workplace Tidbits

There are so many things that could disturb you at work. For no reason, you might be put down. People would willingly gang up against you. Though you might do your work right, people would say that you have done it all wrong and laugh at you. Automatically, your mind would be pushed to feel the heat and the first thing you would want to do is to retort.

No. Hold fort. Don't act at once. Think for a while. But don't give the enemy room to breach your tabernacle. It is always tough for all of us in these terse situations. Wherever we go, there are people to sting us with sharp words and frivolous accusations. 

Condescension is provocation worthy of retaliation. But before you react impulsively, think. There was a mentor I had at workplace who shared a wonderful piece of advice, "Isaac, think big. Get above the others." I will respect him for these words all my life. The first mantra to progressive thinking is to get above all the mundane pessimistic situations. It would do well if you could cut yourself off from people who worry much about trivial things.

One of my best buddies at work used to tell, "People, WORK!!! Stop fooling around with your ill-fed egos!! We're here to work!" Ego clashes are bound to happen everywhere you go. Politics has become much of an inevitability. You have to go through all these, no matter what. But when you do, don't allow all these to get into your nerves. Because these are things that would divert you from living your purpose.

'DGAD' - I had this written on my board and people couldn't understand what it meant. DGAD??.. Don't Give A Damn!!! If you wish not to entertain non-value added people, you should learn to apply dgad. Whatever may happen around you, don't bother at all. Get your focus right! Stop wasting your time talking about others. Spend more time discussing what you have intended to do to achieve your goals. Brainstorm with reasonable people on reasonable matters. I don't mean that you should quit having  lighter moments altogether. It is no harm to have a few friends. Build your bandwagon of like-minded people. But never associate yourself with anyone. Form your own persona.

These are just tidbits. Try to follow this, if it is applicable to the situation you are in. Despite all this, if you still face problems, no other go. You have to bend your knees. Pray. There is no problem too big, God cannot solve. There is no mountain too tall, He cannot move.

The Embrace

It's been so long since anyone embraced me, sulked the girl and broke into instant tears. She had been hugged multiple times by multiple men and women, but no, she had never really felt any warmth in any of that. Her body had broken into sensuous tickles at times, but no, not that touch that would mean, I will always be with you. She is what anyone with a middle class morality would rate - slut, what the rich would say - classy, and what the minds of both the liberals and the conservatives would call in unison - sexy!

Yes, she isn't the virgin, the non-virgins would dream of marrying. She isn't the one who anyone would miss a chance to make a pass at. She smiles, yet she cries. She talks, and is still silent. She dreams, but in vain. She's judged from every angle of flawed perception. Yet, she wouldn't know any of it, or pretends not to know what others would think of her. Doubly yes, she is vulnerable by all means.

How rude! Men who do not have the guts to even talk to her, imagine lewd things about her in the privacy of their wicked minds, but act just the opposite way putting on a fake holy outward gesture to openly tarnish her image. That doesn't mean men who talk to her are real saintly! The logic doesn't work one bit that way! The girl is always put in the awkward 'Head-I-win;Tail-You-Lose' position. Who is really promiscuous? The girl or the minds of these men?? What is done within four walls and in the absence of others is not wrong at all, they believe! A day will soon come when all these sick low-lives will wail for all the wrongs they did covertly and all the people they wronged overtly!

Coming back to the she. If you really have the b*lls to count yourself a man, I pose this challenge to you. Instead of quickly judging her or instead of using the opportunity to make the most out of her vulnerability, why wouldn't you show her some love!! Dont get me wrong. By love, I do not mean falling in love. Because it is not for the tight pressing hugs and a few long kisses on her lips and down, she yearns!!! She longs for a genuine embrace. I am not saying you should carry a I-am-a-good-boy pretence and go on a hugging spree with the several women your near-society has portrayed in bad light and call what you do 'Embrace'. I-am-a-good-boy hug!!! - No No No, it is not possible at all - you know it, i know it, the world knows it; that's biology. Let your embrace be found with no blemish. Be assertive to her, appreciate the good in her and encourage her efforts to overcome her mistakes. That would be the best embrace you can think of giving anyone. She needs love and just that.

Brisk, Witty, Classy

It is simple things in life, if missed, would make such a big negative difference. In the end, what we did wouldn't matter, but what we did not would. Imagine a thrilling cricket match which ends in the final ball, the losers would sulk over a silly misfield. Well, I do not want you be a loser at all. You are a winner. Yes, an emphatic one at that!

 So, last week I happened to meet a guy whose soul was consumed by eternal slumber. His eyes would droop all the time, be it night or day. People started to tease him - 'Kumbakarna!! Kumbakarna!!!' But he would proudly pat himself and say, 'Dude, lions are notoriously lazy and I am a lion.'. Way to go!!! Oops. No No.. Definitely not the way to go!!! Being a little agile won't do any harm. You can go for a morning walk or jog, twist your limbs some angle, sweat a little and that would do wonders.

There was this girl who wouldn't smile at all. Oh dear, Bombay Stock Exchange wont downtrend a 1000 points if you smile. Whatever jokes we crack, she would keep mum. Man, if you ever dare to  tease her, you are dead. She would instantly turn into Samara Morgan from the movie, The Ring. Gosh, would anyone like the idea of a live action horror flick? No way, I would be the first one to freak out. Lol. :D But my dear loose-pot, smiling is actually a nice thing. Please go check your mirror; look at your own face glow a million watts when you smile. You would give up the very idea of carrying a bad countenance for good. And one more tidbit, try cracking some jokes. But no PJs please.

And I have a friend who wouldn't mind wearing paragon slippers for his final job interview. He is least bothered about his dressing. Wrinkles and only wrinkles every direction you turn him. Hmm.. I thought, wrinkles would still be fine, because that has become trend these days. But this jackass wouldn't wash his clothes even. Would he mind spraying some perfume to cover the stink? No way!!! That's his style. Being clean is very important to your body, soul and mind. Don't hesitate to take atleast two showers a day. Wash and then wear! While you must abstain from overdressing, there's nothing wrong in dressing well and remaining classy. Carry the superhero charm!

You might not have the cutest of faces, you might be dark, you might not be so tall. Your looks are not in your hands! You would look dashing if your mom and dad are good looking. Chuck that logic; however you may look, you can still present yourself exceedingly well in an amiable way. These are simple things. A few minutes of effort. And it would put you on top.

Be brisk. Be witty. Be classy.You are the best!

God is pissed off!

Look around and see what's happening! There is only hatred, envy, backstabbing, name calling, war, murder, rape, immorality everywhere. Some people believe in God and some don't. They say there are scientific proofs emerging for supernatural God-intervened miracles to have taken place in the past. But do you even remotely remember of any one miracle your eyes have seen which would stand at one percent par(atleast) with all those great things that are said to have happened. Some people tend to feel all that is written in the Scriptures is false, name the attitude they carry - being practical and not being superstitious - and completely disregard God. Does it help? Not one inch. It only throws them back into to the spiral of the dark pleasures of the world, now without any feeling of guilt.

Okay, why are there no evident miracles these days? When you go to a healing crusade, some godmen call names and pronounce healing, other godmen pray with authority and yeah, you may even see some people walk up to the stage and testify their healing right away. But one annoying question keeps striking your mind - is that really true? Yes, I agree to your inquisition. If all that that happens inside an auditorium or a under a tent is true, why is there no record of the same gift of healing working when the same godmen walk through the streets. Didn't Apostle Peter heal that crippled beggar on his way to the Temple?

The miracles we read from the Scriptures are totally different from the ones we see today. This induces people to question their very authenticity. But one thing is sure. We dont see any evident God intervention and manifestation these days because - God is pissed off with all of us! Dont blame God because you cannot see any authenticity in the Scriptures! Blame your religion, blame your church, blame your miracle-workers! Ow Ow Ow. Wait. Why do you want to point fingers at others? Blame yourself!!! You are the reason God is pissed off! Your view of God and the world starts with your self! You are to be blamed for all the wrongs you claim you see and the judgements you pass!

God has seen enough of all of us, humans, and, is pissed off big time! Imagine you piss off a dog in  your street! Try pulling its tail or simply throw a small stone at it! Oh no, you wouldn't dare invite trouble doing anything as stupid as that! Because you know that it would definitely pounce on you ferociously and have a taste of your flesh!! If you can have that much of respect for a dog, why dont you even care to have the slightest of respects for God!!! Who do you think God is!!! Do you think He is some low life dirtier than a street dog!!! Take heed, you fool!!! Stop deceiving yourself!!!

We never show love! When a beggar comes to us, we turn our faces. When someone is lying on the road hurt, we wouldn't stop to call an ambulance. We are so selfish. If it is for our friends, we would do anything. But a strong NO to that poor starving woman we cross every day we walk down the road. Because she's not going to talk about our so-called great helpful character to everyone she sees, but our friends would definitely praise us for long. If it is for booze or food at an expensive cuisine or shopping, we wouldn't mind spending in thousands!! But how much do we care about the hungry living on the scrap we throw from our dustbins!!! We like to own everything, keep even things that belong to others to ourselves. One day we mistakenly see the upper contours of a lady's breast and we quickly judge her to be a total slut as if we are the most saintly of creatures! And what do we do when we are alone in secret - go to that porn site we have frequented ourselves with, fill our cup with truck loads of mundane lust and attain a momentary bust of our irksome stress!! We all lie so fluently to put down people whom we don't like and to lift our very image up. We hide our pitfalls and easily point fingers at others. We play political games. We wear multiple masks. We try to steal other's credits. Despite all this, we still think greatly of ourselves. We are all narcissists of the highest order, but we never accept any of this with openness though we clearly know who we are deep within!!

Doom to all of us!!! No wonder you are not able to see God in your life!!! You have mocked His very grace that keeps you alive!!! Mind you, you are so damn dead!!! If you don't turn from your willfull wrongdoings and your craze for vanity, you may even die a terrible death and the same street dogs you regard well above God would come and lick your drying blood!!! And flies would swarm around your dead body and whizzz praises for you!!!

Don't panic. It is still not too late. Introspect. Correct yourselves. Do good. Love others without measure. And God will love you dearly.

Whoremonger-folks!

If you pride yourself by telling that you are a liberal and look down on everyone else, you should feel the hurt and your bowels should burn as if a vial of lava fresh from a volcanic eruption is poured onto it. This is for you. People who are loving and kind-hearted, please refrain from reading this.

I am a liberal
Not liberal enough to fornicate
I am conservative
Not conservative enough to carry hatred
I am everything
I am the good and the bad
I am sweet and at times, yes, harsh
But I am modestly right and not wrong
For I am love!!

The poetic lines that you see above are penned by me. What our world lacks is love! In the morning, I walk to office and on the way, I see a labour woman walking out from a construction site crying her heart out. A less-than-3-year-old small kid runs after her with tears, calling out, 'maa, amma'. Reason. The Asst. Construction Engineer sends her home because she was not able to lift the heavy load of hollow blocks on her head. One day's wage lost. And she's crying. May be she wouldn't be having anything at home to feed herself and her kids. What a cruel world we live in!

Back to where I want this to head!

There is consensus building among the urban hippies that they are the most coolest specimens in the world. They call themselves liberals because they do not feel even a pinch of shame when they undress in front of a stranger or a long known/shortly known friend - and pull and play with each other's pubic hair. Live-in is trending in the metros. No commitments, only sex. Hot and raw. Of course, not without a condom.

Oh yeah, these are liberals. Men have no issues punching into other men and women would not feel shy to lick other ladies. Metro life baby. The Butterfly Generation, a recently published book that I read is another fresh piece of shit which has to be flushed down the latrine commode. The out-of-his-mind author tries to capture the technicolour of the Indian youth, but only venerates the way they sleep and swap partners like animals on the roads do.

'You are not man enough if you don't drink this!', a woman challenged a guy who was teetotaller till that moment. It was a woman who challenged him. Oh yeah, if its a woman, its your penis that makes your decision and not your mind. The guy gulped the whole thing in one shot! Yay!! Yay!!!, shouted and shashayed everyone. Dear till-the-moment-teetotaller, if a woman challenges your manhood, jizz your liquid into her vaginal peg and tell her hence proved. Dont just cheaply gulp that dizzy liquid from the glass peg she hands you and jizz yourself off!

There are principles you follow. And there are principles others follow. Your mom may sleep with your uncle and that may be uber-cool with you and your generous dad, because you are a liberal. That is not the case in other households. If you boast about your whoremonger mentality calling it being liberal, I will strip your honour down with mere words. I will have no regrets, because you deserve one.

Whoever you are, whatever culture you grew up in, keep it to yourself or cherish it and even speak about it. But dont you dare look down upon others. The world has known two kinds of people - the liberals and the conservatives. There are two more - the liberally conservatives and the conservatively liberals. The liberally conservative category brags about its liberal orgies and expects everyone to follow what they do. The conservatively liberals are conservative, yet accommodate others without passing judgements.

If you start loving others, you will start respecting them. And if you respect them, you wouldn't even think of disturbing their peace. Think of the woman from the construction site. Life should punish haughty ones like you and not the meek. Spend one day there under the hot sun carrying loads of weight on your head. Your liberally conservative theories will evaporate from your clay-wet brain, I bet on your life. Live and let live.