What kills me?

There could probably be a million things about me that are completely wrong. Some nay this assertion and advise that my lifestyle has always been good - so I need not see myself in bad light. But a person's lifestyle choice, unfortunately (against all the societal clauses), cannot determine if one is good or bad. Being a virgin and not having touched alcohol or smoke - in no way - can tick and qualify a person to be good. Goodness, my friend, is not a bodily proposition, it is that of the heart. It depends on what is in your heart, and how your mind can come out of its inherent vices and get itself wrung over the rightful ways of your heart. I stand as an example to this. A bad example that people should learn from, and not admire and venerate. So yes - I am a sinner, a terrible one at that and there is no hiding of that truth.  I personally struggle with so many mistakes every single day. Have always petitioned in my silent prayers that I be purged of all my sins and be made a better person. Every night is a nightmare when your soul questions you on so many things. I have been constantly wetting the pillows of my bed where I lay my head to rest - with bitter tears, but still find no relief. Oh, that I have hurt! Oh, that I have failed to be prudent! Oh, that I have been utterly foolish! Oh, that I have lost the innocence of my mind! Oh, that I have lowered my stature! Oh, that I did not hearken to the outcry of my conscience and have not kept the integrity of my heart! When will these battles of my mind end? When will I find peace? All I wish for is that I move an  inch closer to being a nice person at the passing of every night and day!

I am generally known in all my friend circles as that crazy guy who lends a quick helping hand and takes risks for others, though I have truly not done great things for anyone. But whenever I have gotten an opportunity to do simple and small things to make people happy, I - to the best of my knowledge - have always suppressed all the menial human urges to expect favors in return. In all truth, I have never run with an intention to make anyone obliged to my quirks. No, I detest such thoughts. I am not shrewd enough to apply political sense to the things I do. However hard that I have tried, I have also not been able to be selfish or be safely diplomatic - the result of being habitual in doing things from the heart without applying too much sense and mind. I agree that these are not great things one should be proud of. Hell yes, most of these character traits of mine have landed me in deep trouble so many times. But the bigger problem lies in the fact that I have always looked for that basic sense of respect. Yes, I confess that I have expected people to show some respect - not the Mahatma kind of respect, but the simplest of respects any lowly human would rightfully deserve. That, I understand, is a very bad thing and has been one of my greatest sins. The desire to do good to others should come without having any expectation whatsoever - even in terms of respect and I have verily failed in that. I am trying hard to train my heart to grow up and reach that stature where even if I knew that I would be treated in a bad way later, I would still follow my heart and do good.

Anger is another sin. It blinds your mind from thinking straight, breeds ego, makes you wag your tongue little too much, increases fissures between people, and triggers you to sin willfully. If you know the trick, it is very easy to make me angry. There are certain principles that I take very seriously and follow. The trick is that if you happen to mess with any of those, you would see me reacting. But I would never tell anyone the actual reason behind the anger. This sometimes confuses people. Giving up on principles and striking a compromise is wrong. The only thing that can be done is to make myself slow to anger. Reacting to the wrongs ought to be the last option and that should be done only after being sure that the outcome would be positive. The best way to deal with such situations, now I understand, is to remain silent and just walk away the moment you see things that do not please your eyes. Fighting other people's battles even out of pure intention and honest concern can land us in deep trouble.

If you put me in a situation that is very sensitive and complicated, and that I have never been exposed to, I would tend to reach out to friends to sincerely take opinions in trust - just to be sure that I don't wrongly assume things and make mistakes. Here is where the mistake is. Right or wrong, you need to figure out things yourself. Or if you cannot get it, you should just leave it and go. Because, most of those who you call as friends are really monkeys from that cat story they taught us in kindergarten. They say things to you, go say different things to others, then judge you and put you to total shame. You will have no idea what went wrong where, and because of your inexperience in handling these weird complicated situations you would be pushed to say things that they themselves have trained you in. The mind-blocks they have created in you would have shut down your understanding of the matter. Only after the dust settles will you understand that the information you provided them was actually manipulated, twisted and turned, and that you have been thoroughly mocked and insulted. These monkeys have to be identified and ties with them need to be cut instantly. I have also quit myself from being open about so many things. Now I run for the corners to sit in the quiet with closed eyes. It is sad that people and their mistrust have silenced my soul, but there is much peace in not trusting anyone.

You don't have to beat me to kill me. Spit a few words on my face and that will do the work. Words kill me. Guilt kills me too. Guilt, in having hurt others. Guilt, in not doing the right thing. Tears also kill me because I strongly believe that only the most cruelest of people can make others cry. I am a weak person who can instantly die of self-reproach. All I pray for is that I should not be a stumbling block to the happiness of others. My sins are as scarlet and I wait for a renewing that would beautify my otherwise ugly life. To the kind God I humbly ask, that I may please be forgiven and be washed of all my sins.