What kills me?

There could probably be a million things about me that are completely wrong. Some nay this assertion and advise that my lifestyle has always been good - so I need not see myself in bad light. But a person's lifestyle choice, unfortunately (against all the societal clauses), cannot determine if one is good or bad. Being a virgin and not having touched alcohol or smoke - in no way - can tick and qualify a person to be good. Goodness, my friend, is not a bodily proposition, it is that of the heart. It depends on what is in your heart, and how your mind can come out of its inherent vices and get itself wrung over the rightful ways of your heart. I stand as an example to this. A bad example that people should learn from, and not admire and venerate. So yes - I am a sinner, a terrible one at that and there is no hiding of that truth.  I personally struggle with so many mistakes every single day. Have always petitioned in my silent prayers that I be purged of all my sins and be made a better person. Every night is a nightmare when your soul questions you on so many things. I have been constantly wetting the pillows of my bed where I lay my head to rest - with bitter tears, but still find no relief. Oh, that I have hurt! Oh, that I have failed to be prudent! Oh, that I have been utterly foolish! Oh, that I have lost the innocence of my mind! Oh, that I have lowered my stature! Oh, that I did not hearken to the outcry of my conscience and have not kept the integrity of my heart! When will these battles of my mind end? When will I find peace? All I wish for is that I move an  inch closer to being a nice person at the passing of every night and day!

I am generally known in all my friend circles as that crazy guy who lends a quick helping hand and takes risks for others, though I have truly not done great things for anyone. But whenever I have gotten an opportunity to do simple and small things to make people happy, I - to the best of my knowledge - have always suppressed all the menial human urges to expect favors in return. In all truth, I have never run with an intention to make anyone obliged to my quirks. No, I detest such thoughts. I am not shrewd enough to apply political sense to the things I do. However hard that I have tried, I have also not been able to be selfish or be safely diplomatic - the result of being habitual in doing things from the heart without applying too much sense and mind. I agree that these are not great things one should be proud of. Hell yes, most of these character traits of mine have landed me in deep trouble so many times. But the bigger problem lies in the fact that I have always looked for that basic sense of respect. Yes, I confess that I have expected people to show some respect - not the Mahatma kind of respect, but the simplest of respects any lowly human would rightfully deserve. That, I understand, is a very bad thing and has been one of my greatest sins. The desire to do good to others should come without having any expectation whatsoever - even in terms of respect and I have verily failed in that. I am trying hard to train my heart to grow up and reach that stature where even if I knew that I would be treated in a bad way later, I would still follow my heart and do good.

Anger is another sin. It blinds your mind from thinking straight, breeds ego, makes you wag your tongue little too much, increases fissures between people, and triggers you to sin willfully. If you know the trick, it is very easy to make me angry. There are certain principles that I take very seriously and follow. The trick is that if you happen to mess with any of those, you would see me reacting. But I would never tell anyone the actual reason behind the anger. This sometimes confuses people. Giving up on principles and striking a compromise is wrong. The only thing that can be done is to make myself slow to anger. Reacting to the wrongs ought to be the last option and that should be done only after being sure that the outcome would be positive. The best way to deal with such situations, now I understand, is to remain silent and just walk away the moment you see things that do not please your eyes. Fighting other people's battles even out of pure intention and honest concern can land us in deep trouble.

If you put me in a situation that is very sensitive and complicated, and that I have never been exposed to, I would tend to reach out to friends to sincerely take opinions in trust - just to be sure that I don't wrongly assume things and make mistakes. Here is where the mistake is. Right or wrong, you need to figure out things yourself. Or if you cannot get it, you should just leave it and go. Because, most of those who you call as friends are really monkeys from that cat story they taught us in kindergarten. They say things to you, go say different things to others, then judge you and put you to total shame. You will have no idea what went wrong where, and because of your inexperience in handling these weird complicated situations you would be pushed to say things that they themselves have trained you in. The mind-blocks they have created in you would have shut down your understanding of the matter. Only after the dust settles will you understand that the information you provided them was actually manipulated, twisted and turned, and that you have been thoroughly mocked and insulted. These monkeys have to be identified and ties with them need to be cut instantly. I have also quit myself from being open about so many things. Now I run for the corners to sit in the quiet with closed eyes. It is sad that people and their mistrust have silenced my soul, but there is much peace in not trusting anyone.

You don't have to beat me to kill me. Spit a few words on my face and that will do the work. Words kill me. Guilt kills me too. Guilt, in having hurt others. Guilt, in not doing the right thing. Tears also kill me because I strongly believe that only the most cruelest of people can make others cry. I am a weak person who can instantly die of self-reproach. All I pray for is that I should not be a stumbling block to the happiness of others. My sins are as scarlet and I wait for a renewing that would beautify my otherwise ugly life. To the kind God I humbly ask, that I may please be forgiven and be washed of all my sins.

Tell me what you want!

Show me the world and tell me what you want. I shall get it for you. If I cannot, I shall pack and go searching for it, and make this pursuit my newly-found purpose to live. Have hope, because on my return - you shall definitely find what you had wanted. Tell me where you would want to go. If it's too hard for you to pick places, I shall give you a list to choose from. Wherever your finger shall point, I shall take you there. I shall take you to places you have never been to and thrill you with much love. 

We shall swim in new waters. Climb the tallest of mountains and touch the clouds. Listen to the songs of exotic birds. Trek our way deep into the dense forest, camp there and smile over the sound of crickets. I shall fill your nights and days with much laughter and you shall put me to sleep singing those sweet lullabies.

When I look at you, into your eyes, and when my soul takes its glimpse into your heart, I shall instantly understand the desire that tickles your inner self, and how that you try so hard to hide what obviously spills out. Yes I shall wink at you, but would leave you at your peace and quietly quit the scene because time is not ripe yet to get naughty and likeably misbehave.

Come close and behold the mess of a person that I am from within. Search my heart and command all that you do not like -  to leave. And it shall leave I promise. Because you are so precious to me, change wouldn't be a hard thing at all. All the sweetness that I have lost over the years, I shall find in you. And my love for poetry shall reignite looking at the touch of class in the way you hold your pen and the way your lips make movements upon your loverly utterances.

Yes, I would 'certainly and only' like doing what you like. And I am the type that readily defies the whole world to get to you. Wouldn't wait to punch on a few noses or take a few deadly blows to prevent evildoers and whoremongers who lurk in the dark from pouncing on you. You shall know the tenacity of these words when we meet. By the way, there are two things, only two things that I vehemently detest: lies and greed; thought you should know. Oh yes, I also concede that you shall definitely like me more the moment you become friends with my mum, dad and brother. The very thought of your presence is heaven to me. But who art thou, where art thou, when shalt thou come, I lay wait!

Beautiful!

I am a happy man leading a simple life. Or rather, deriving happiness out of simple things in life. I have always disliked complications, confusions, flamboyance and the related sophistications that blind our souls from seeing beauty the way it has to be seen! The definition of beauty also is so very simple. Beauty, to me, is the state of your sight.

She is in her early twenties. An orchestra singer, dark skinned. Sings wherever she gets a chance, to feed her family. She has a bedridden father, a mother who is a part time maid. Hmm nope, not really a maid. But a dishwasher who goes to the upper-middle class households in the street whenever there is struggle for food at home. So I happen to sit next to her mother who also accompanies her daughter to wherever she goes to perform in the night. Because in India it is really dangerous to send a girl out at nights. We talked. Her mother and I. When her mother, with tears, shared the heart-rending story of how the girl strives hard to take care of her father, I instantly found her very beautiful.

The other day I went to see the boy child of this couple I know for long. This little child was adopted because they had no children after 10 years of their marriage. But it so happened that the adopted baby boy, when he grew up to be a one year old kid, was found to be deformed. Against the advices of their ill-minded relatives who forced them to return the child back to the adoption agency, they chose to not let go of the child, but decided to have him with them and take care of his medical needs. They proudly call him, son. I found the couple beautiful and the little one, now a two-year old, so very beautiful.

These two women clothed in white, who were both over 50, were walking without footwear. We were coming back from the hospital and I asked my dad to stop the car. Because I saw one of them struggling to walk. I put my head out and ask the other aunty, do you need help? The one who is in struggle replies in some language that sounded like Hindi. The other one translates in English telling, 'we are coming from Haryana. This is a padh yatra that we had both vowed, we cannot get in the car, we have to walk till we reach Kanyakumari. There are so many like us walking in the front and coming behind.' I was truly truly shocked. What? From Haryana to Kanyakumari. Walking?! I first thought it was insane. Gave them our first aid kit so they could clean the wounds on their feet. Then I saw their faces, they were filled with happiness and I really liked the audacity these women had in their faith to complete their vow. And they appeared beautiful in my eyes.

So yes, I was in hospital. Few days. Tests after tests. But I became a popular patient because of my fear for syringes. And I had to give blood all the time. Oh my god. My dad and mum, both should come and hold me, so they could forcibly take blood from me. I initially disliked this nurse who used to joke about me getting scared for this. But then we became good friends eventually. She is married to a chronic drunkard, has two little kids, talks about her household chores to my mum and I have no other option but to listen to two women talking. I started liking her because she was very genuine and couldn't hide her emotions. The final day in that hospital, mum gifts her a saree and she cries with gratitude. Those were real tears. Then she smiles, comes to me and teases me more with the syringes, and I shout akkaaa. She was indeed beautiful.

Though I am a happy individual, I have my fair share of weaknesses. Yes, I have no shame in admitting that I am a weak vessel. New vulnerabilities sprout every now and then. And I continuously strive hard to overcome them. I might smile on the outside but have this brokenness inside me that only I am privy to. I pray to God that all my shortcomings are soon turned to strengths. I am sure God will listen to my prayers. If not today, maybe tomorrow. Or maybe some other day. I shall wait. Because when that day comes, I shall appear beautiful too from the inside. What are we, but meek men and women trying to be of help to each other so smiles could be spread.

Roar!

At every tick and tock of the clock, the world moves an inch closer to its peril, the most stupendous of views get horrendously mocked, there is death and there is birth. Distortions mangle meaning, sense and real beauty, and life grows in its sour insipidity. Falsehood thrives, half-truths rule, lies sit on the throne, eavesdroppers twist stories, manipulators win accolades, the self-centered and greedy ones are called the wise, black is seen as white and deadly venom is finger-lickin' sweet.

The moment you sense grey area in an image that is portrayed as clear, clean, sincere and simple, you need to get out and run. Run for your life. To a simple mind that has not been exposed to the dirtiest of the games, these things are beyond comprehension. The more you spend time understanding what this actually is, your mind badly needs to be repeatedly alarmed that you have already started to reel down and the monstrous storm is sucking you in for the kill. Even your honest search for truth will go against you, because the ones who you seek truth from - intentionally hold the wrong signboards that is sure going to lead you to hell. The scene gets intense when you are playing your dice at the behest of people who you are trying to defend, the same people who have already stabbed you and you do not know it yet, and you get to know of this just before your death when you accidentally put your hand back to touch your own blood-stains and understand that the object sticking out is the handle of the dagger poisoned and plunged fully in, long ago. And there is no means to escape death and live again.

So you die. Lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub. The last few beats of a heart that willfully over-looked mistrust and betrayal because it believed the whole world to be good. The final moments of a life used and exploited, and now thrown away because the time is done. The land of the living does not house the dead ones. They bin the expired products and bury their dead, not to see them again. We are just resources and commodities, and not men and women with a heart that bleeds passion. Ah, this passion - they very well knew - needed to be juiced out before the heart stopped its beating.

After your final breath and giving up the ghost, the story doesn't end there. Time shall roar. Yes, roar. It shall roar with the loudest of voice awakening the dead conscience of the liars, the exploiters and the back-biters, and would correct their hearts to goodness. Why do you not think harm for them? Why should they not die and disappear? No, that is not the cause a real fighter, who has seen and been in real fights, would clench his fists for. No principled person would ever fight 'over' trivialities. He would just stand, not acting like a bitten dog losing his composure, but would just stand and grin. The grin that tells many stories. Is it not too much to think if they would ever be directed to goodness? Yes or no, do not care. Oh, just do not care when you know that you mean no more than a rotting corpse to them. But hope for the best. Let them be infested with greater blessings and the springs of life. God doesn't judge us according to how much we endured, but how much we could love. And what else are we really left with, but to wish everyone all the goodness and to show our love to the weak and the meek in every form possible. Let the whole world be blessed, despite its villainy and deceit.