I am not the one I used to be!

'Change is the only thing that doesn't change' is an old cliched adage. We change. Our thoughts change. Things we fought for, change. The strongest of love stories change. Oh with time, everything changes. I often wonder how God and his love could remain unchangeable. The only logic I could arrive at is that the divine is not bound by the strongest constraint - 'time'. Clearly, time is the ever-dynamic change agent.

As I sit down to introspect, I should admit, in the past few years, I have dropped few things - both good and bad, and picked up few things - yeah, good and bad. I have changed. This is a confession I make. 

So a few years back, I was a solid staunch christian. I was very firm. My world revolved around the Holy Bible. I wouldn't know anything outside the holy book. Nay, that's an understatement. It would be near-right if I stated - I wouldn't give a damn about the world-around at all. My friends would testify to this. I wouldn't watch any movie. For four continuous undergrad years, I did not even see a single animated movie clip, let alone feature films that cast real humans. A strong personal NO to movies, both secular and christian. I wouldn't listen to any music which is not gospel. I wouldn't look at any girl and secretly/openly stare at her. I was not glued to books that were not religious. I wouldn't be a part of alcoholic parties. About alcoholism, the truth is most of my friends were teetotalers and the ones who drank were very careful that they did not drink in my presence.

But now, all these 'did not do's have become 'do's. That said, I am not saying that I blindly watch any movie or listen to any music that releases. I am very choosy about them. I have some criteria (guarding my values) to pick my collection. And though I don't host any alcoholic party, I have been to pubs/bars and to one disc with my colleagues. I have been to alcoholic house parties and have seen what happens in all those places. Though I still am a teetotaler, I know every drug people of free-minded urban sophistication do.

I used to be a preacher. Now, no one around me would ever believe that I have preached at all. Because the frequency of sharing God's word, now, has bluntly reduced. The last time I spoke in a church meeting was last November. I used to read a lot of Bible and spend a lot of time in prayer. Every day I would not retire to bed without talking to my Creator. Before every sermon I spoke, I would spend at least 4 to 5 hours in prayer. No overstatement this! My parents know this very well and a few of my friends at times would join me during those prep prayer hours. But now, the same zeal has reduced. With all the work, I am not able to set forth solid time to spend with God. Well, I cannot get away by blaming this on work. This is so lame an explanation. Its all my mistake. I have not set my priorities right.

The most painful thing. When I was that staunch Christian guy before, people used to call me a madman, a lunatic, a fundamentalist and all those names. As a person, now I am better. I understand how things are in the other side of life. Some say, I am more human(read as more like them!) these days. But it was during those madman days, I saw beautiful visions from God. I prophesied. I used to feel God's strong presence. I used to hear the sweet guiding Voice of God frequently. I was a fruitful vessel, a signboard to salvation for sinners who sought the Lord. But now, I am in a pathetic spiritual low. Somewhere I made a few compromises and I have lost it all. Yes I weep in secret at how things have changed. I even doubt, at times, if I would go to heaven at all. I am not telling you that having a balanced view of the world is wrong. No no, please don't get me wrong. It is really good if you can still hold on to your values despite your getting exposed to both the good and the bad. But what is all that balance worth if you lose touch with God? What is it all worth if someone says 'you're more human now' after you have lost the divine? The mistake is mine. I should have known to put God first in everything. I should have known. The mistake is all mine.

"Do not gloat over me, my enemy(the devil)! Though I have fallen, I will rise!"
Micah 7:8

Those Awkward Moments

Everyone goes through awkward situations at some point or other. But when we look back and reminisce, we can only smile at our own follies. All our imperfections add beauty to life.

Perambur Railway Station.

I boarded a suburban train from Chennai Central after seeing off my friend Santy who had come home for vacation. I don't know why, but I instantly turned like an electron in its excited state after taking that yellow suburb ticket. I think this sort of thing happens to everyone at some nutty point. Or may be I saw some good-looking girl. Oh no, don't get me wrong. I am just speculating. I really don't remember why I did that. Okay what did I do? I jumped off the running train and fell on the platform bleeding. The one who sways flags standing in the last bogie of the train, oh-I-dont-know-how-he-should-be-called, he shouted abuses at me. Well, I remember that part loud and clear. Haha. But to his mocking dismay, I stood up as if nothing had happened and limped my way to home.

Lesson: Dont try to act like Superman!

IPA Pollachi.

Prof. Amir Anton wanted me and my friend Prakash to come with him to Pollachi for a Sunday Service. Amir Sir would preach and we both would lead the worship. That was the plan. Everything went accordingly. What was not in the plan was people coming to us and asking us to pray for them. I usually hesitate to do this at will because I need a lot of time to pray and prepare before I lay hands on anyone. I was stumped this time. Adding to my worry, Prakash doesn't know to pray in Tamil. I had to take all the prayer requests. People were swarming around us. What could I do! I tied my hands to my back, did not touch anyone but started praying request after request. Thankfully Prakash stood by my side. One lady came and said, 'Brother, I have stomach ache. Please pray for me.' And I started at once, 'Lord, this precious sister has stomach ache... Please heal her... Amen.' And I went on to pray for others. Right after praying for all the other requests, Prakash comes and tells me, 'Dei. You made a mistake while praying!'. 'Aiyo, What?', I asked. 'When women come and tell you they have stomach problem, it means something else and you are not supposed to mention 'stomach problem' when you pray. Others might hear this and laugh at the girl.', Prakash affirmed. This really embarrassed me more.

Lesson: Decode what people really want you to pray for and pray 'appropriately'

Undisclosed Location.

There was this girl I know very well. I respect her, but honestly have not the slightest pinch of any feeling peeling for her. She was sitting quite close and I could clearly see her bra-strap out. I wanted to somehow convey this to her. Because that was bad for her, plus I have this condition - I cannot see a girl and talk when I know she is not dressed prop. I was thinking this and sharply she turns to me. Oh no, how shameful! She might have thought I was staring at her. I, at once, left the place and came back after 30 minutes. And on my return, I did not dare look at her. But I observed everything looked alright. At least the purpose was solved.

Lesson: Don't even think of correcting a girl's dress if she's not your love

I have been through many more flop-shows. But this would suffice for now. Laugh at me for a little while. Haha.