Lent: the perfect 40-day diet plan!!!

A round table. Heated discussion. Three characters. A terminal smoker, a bisexual drug addict and a pro-rape activist. The thread that connects them all - alcohol and meat!!! Woah woah. Guys who usually linger in drunken state got some religion finally. Lent, baby, lent!!!

All three, Christians. So you can expect some religion from them. Because they have to mark their attendance in their respective churches once in a week or two. No no, not that they love to seek God. This, they do for two reasons - marriage and funeral. Hell yeah! - these are the primary reasons why many still go to church.

The smoker and the bisexual had most of the problems. They consider themselves one step above the pro-rape activist in the liberal echelon and so feel they have to sacrifice more. To a liberal, whatever he does is right. But now, there is a problem. Jesus, according to the stories they have heard from their grandparents, is not a liberal like them. And these three have to follow Jesus for a few days because of religious compulsions. So they plan to quit smoke, drugs, alcohol and meat for 40 full days. Why? Because the bisexual brought up something that sounded very fascinating - 'Dude, someone once told me that if you follow lent by not taking smoke, alcohol and non-veg till Good Friday, God will forgive all our sins.'

'Really!!!', chimed the other two in awe and total belief.

'Hahahaha!!!', I laugh out loud.

What is the use of lent, if you follow all that you say you follow for 40 days and assume your sins are forgiven, and then come back to your old state? Are you trying to fool yourself? Isn't lent followed in prayer, repentance and sanctification? Then why is emphasis only on how you are going to control your frivolous eating habit, which is of least useful to your spiritual life? Do you think God is more interested in the calorie content that goes in your belly?

Dont follow anything because the majority say they follow it. No. Reason within yourself. If you want to seek God, stop pleasing people and your lustful self. God and the pleasures of the world are two different things - like life and death. You cannot choose both. Settle for the one that will give you peace. You are your own church. Pray that God should dwell in you.

The Cow Speech

Everybody had gathered unusually long before time. All Indians. Oh no. That must be a wrong word. All 'Bharathiya citijans'. The ones in traditional wears, the ones so conservatively minded, the ones with thick large round bhindies on their foreheads, the ones with their white dhotties and scary moustaches,   the ones who believe zombies exist. Everyone, not one missing. All had gathered to witness this supernatural phenomenon.

Well, well, well. What was that? A cow gives its first ever Bharathiya Commemoration Speech. Oh yeah, the holy cow that could speak. People were throbbing to the arena. Tickets were completely sold out before three weeks. This was so huge, carried more magnitude than the IPL matches here. The acoustics-team had to come on stage and spend some time to position the microphone. Logical. A four legged creature cannot hold a mic and speak. Everything was set, the time came. Everybody clapped. Clapped. Clapped. And the cow took the stage by fire.

"Dear Men and Women, I am a cow. The holy cow that you venerate and worship in all your temples. I feed you all with good milk. My dung is used as manure and is regarded by the Bhakt birgade to be costlier than kohinoor diamond. My urine, people consider, has the power to purify their souls. I have had such an impact in you all. I am god in your minds. Hell yes, I am!

A few things I want to say that would make complete sense. You can take this as my confession or consider this blasphemy. I don't mind. I don't yearn for the frivolous god status you give me. I never asked for any such thing in the first place. It was you who garlanded me. Took me processions round and round and I am here - god speaking to you.

I am female. I walk nude in the streets. You have all been seeing my mammary glands hanging down there. Gosh, you have even dared to squeeze me there everyday with your bare hands and milk me. That is so bad you know. You don't respect me. First, learn to respect me. I am your god after all. Stitch some good clothes for me. Cover my nudity and then call me god.

Okay, the confession part. I am not a virgin and I am not at all chaste. The whole world knows this. So many times, I had lifted my tail up and had allowed so many bulls to penetrate me. No - they were not my husbands. No no no. I don't follow moral policies. Any random bull could put his male organ inside me. I have never had issues with regards to this. I will moan 'Maaaaa' and take it all in full length. Oh yeah, I am a pervert. But honestly, think for a moment. If I were not a pervert, how would I satisfy your superficial need to extract milk from me every single day.

But this thing, I dont like. You call such a pervert as me - HOLY. And look at your women. They are angels. They don't live such a rubbish life like I do. They dress up. Okay, you may have problems there. Hey, they atleast cover the important parts that ought to be covered. What more do you want? Look at me, your favourite god, for comparison study. But you call me holy AND THEM, YOU CALL SLUTS. This is just not right. Change your mind. Respect your women. They are holier than me.

All women are holier than the cows!!!"